Dear Grandma

Hi Grandma, there are many things I never got to tell you so here is my letter to you hoping you're up there somewhere reading it...

Dear Grandma,

How's heaven? Is it everything you imagined and more? Probably huh? I hope you're doing well, since we all miss you down here. There are lots of things I want to say, but first things first...thank you. Thank you for leaving everything behind in Korea to come to this land to give your children a better opportunity. I know you were already happy and comfortable living in Korea...dad told me about the big house you had, the husband you loved and how you left those things just so your children could be happy. And though I never dared to say this to you, I know that you couldn't have children of your own so you adopted my dad, aunt, and uncle. To leave everything behind for children that aren't even of your own blood is very admirable and I am very grateful. You came to this land by yourself, on nobody's help, and worked all day and night to save whatever little money you were making to get our family here. I can't even begin to imagine how hard and lonely that must have been...Yet you did it, and eventually got them here.

After that I was born, and even though you worked all night you would still have time to make me food and watch me while my parents were at work. You pushed everyone to work hard, and were a great exemplar of it. Even as I got a little older, you still took care of me, like I was one of your own children. Do you remember the first time we watched baseball together? Well, I do...I remember it was an excuse to procrastinate on my homework because I knew my parents couldn't tell me to do homework if I were doing something with you. From then on I loved watching baseball, and not just for as an excuse, but because I started to enjoy watching it and routing for our team the Oakland A's (No one at school believed me when I told them I watch baseball with my grandma...). You were always there for me...when I got hurt, when dad was mad at me, when I needed help with my homework, when I was hungry...everything. I remember when I was little and we would walk around church; you would brag to all your friends that I was your Grandson...I used to get embarrassed and think why you would do that, but now I only wish you could it one more time.

Even as you got older, you still had the mentality that you could do anything you put your mind to. Still driving around when you were around 70yrs. old, going to the gym to swim and workout, and living in your own apartment paying for your own bills. I tried to make it a point to see you as often as I could, yet when I was busy or didn't feel like talking to you I ignored your phone calls. I had more "important" things to do...when all you really wanted was to hear my voice. I'm sorry, I know you must have been lonely at times in that apartment by yourself. Forgive me for my shortsightedness and my selfishness. I know if I were at home by myself or called you, you would come over or pickup in a heartbeat, even if it meant dropping anything you were doing at that moment. Even from your meager $600/month, you still managed to save up money for your own funeral, and have money to give to me or my brother. I still remember the first time I tried to refuse accepting $100 from you because I had started working...you got really mad and told me if I didn't take it then you would be mad at me forever.

Over the past year I feel like I got to know you a lot better. Almost like we were friends...joking around, drinking wine, watching baseball, and just talking about life. I really enjoyed those days...though there weren't enough of them. Then, you fell and fractured your hip...I was kind of sad, but just had a feeling inside you would get through it, because you are who you are. I tried to visit you as much as I could, because I know you would've done that and more for me. I know if it was the other way around, they probably couldn't force you out of my room until I got better. And even though you were in pain, you would still force a smile when I would come see you, and lie to me about feeling better just so I wouldn't feel sad. But I knew you weren't going to make it past this year when I started coming in and you could no longer fake your smile and lie to me and tell me you were getting better.

Then, last Saturday May 15th around 11:30pm I got a text message from mom telling me you had passed away. I knew it was coming but didn't expect it to be so soon...I was at my friend's birthday party and in my state of shock I just drank and drank and drank. Then the next day came and it was fresh in my mind when I woke up. I was determined that through your memorial service and funeral I wouldn't cry, because I knew everyone else would. I wanted to be strong for you and keep my promise to you that I wouldn't cry if you passed away. I tried really hard not to, but at times tears came out without me knowing. Even as I try to write this letter right now, I can't help but shed some tears.

I'm sorry I couldn't be at the hospital everyday
I'm sorry I made excuses or didn't pickup your calls when I was busy or lazy
I'm sorry I couldn't take you to at least 1 baseball game
I'm sorry I couldn't be the greatest grandson to you, because you were the greatest grandma to me
I'm sorry for lying to you...I smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol
I'm sorry you won't be here when I get married
I'm sorry for being selfish when you needed me
I'm sorry for all the things I couldn't do or be while you were still here

I'm thankful for your selflessness
I'm thankful for your love
I'm thankful that you raised me and spent time with me
I'm thankful you were always there to protect me
I'm thankful for you always giving me hope
I'm thankful that I got to know you on another level this past year
I'm thankful for you

Love,
Your Grandson, Son, Friend
Joe