Hi Grandma, there are many things I never got to tell you so here is my letter to you hoping you're up there somewhere reading it...
Dear Grandma,
How's heaven? Is it everything you imagined and more? Probably huh? I hope you're doing well, since we all miss you down here. There are lots of things I want to say, but first things first...thank you. Thank you for leaving everything behind in Korea to come to this land to give your children a better opportunity. I know you were already happy and comfortable living in Korea...dad told me about the big house you had, the husband you loved and how you left those things just so your children could be happy. And though I never dared to say this to you, I know that you couldn't have children of your own so you adopted my dad, aunt, and uncle. To leave everything behind for children that aren't even of your own blood is very admirable and I am very grateful. You came to this land by yourself, on nobody's help, and worked all day and night to save whatever little money you were making to get our family here. I can't even begin to imagine how hard and lonely that must have been...Yet you did it, and eventually got them here.
After that I was born, and even though you worked all night you would still have time to make me food and watch me while my parents were at work. You pushed everyone to work hard, and were a great exemplar of it. Even as I got a little older, you still took care of me, like I was one of your own children. Do you remember the first time we watched baseball together? Well, I do...I remember it was an excuse to procrastinate on my homework because I knew my parents couldn't tell me to do homework if I were doing something with you. From then on I loved watching baseball, and not just for as an excuse, but because I started to enjoy watching it and routing for our team the Oakland A's (No one at school believed me when I told them I watch baseball with my grandma...). You were always there for me...when I got hurt, when dad was mad at me, when I needed help with my homework, when I was hungry...everything. I remember when I was little and we would walk around church; you would brag to all your friends that I was your Grandson...I used to get embarrassed and think why you would do that, but now I only wish you could it one more time.
Even as you got older, you still had the mentality that you could do anything you put your mind to. Still driving around when you were around 70yrs. old, going to the gym to swim and workout, and living in your own apartment paying for your own bills. I tried to make it a point to see you as often as I could, yet when I was busy or didn't feel like talking to you I ignored your phone calls. I had more "important" things to do...when all you really wanted was to hear my voice. I'm sorry, I know you must have been lonely at times in that apartment by yourself. Forgive me for my shortsightedness and my selfishness. I know if I were at home by myself or called you, you would come over or pickup in a heartbeat, even if it meant dropping anything you were doing at that moment. Even from your meager $600/month, you still managed to save up money for your own funeral, and have money to give to me or my brother. I still remember the first time I tried to refuse accepting $100 from you because I had started working...you got really mad and told me if I didn't take it then you would be mad at me forever.
Over the past year I feel like I got to know you a lot better. Almost like we were friends...joking around, drinking wine, watching baseball, and just talking about life. I really enjoyed those days...though there weren't enough of them. Then, you fell and fractured your hip...I was kind of sad, but just had a feeling inside you would get through it, because you are who you are. I tried to visit you as much as I could, because I know you would've done that and more for me. I know if it was the other way around, they probably couldn't force you out of my room until I got better. And even though you were in pain, you would still force a smile when I would come see you, and lie to me about feeling better just so I wouldn't feel sad. But I knew you weren't going to make it past this year when I started coming in and you could no longer fake your smile and lie to me and tell me you were getting better.
Then, last Saturday May 15th around 11:30pm I got a text message from mom telling me you had passed away. I knew it was coming but didn't expect it to be so soon...I was at my friend's birthday party and in my state of shock I just drank and drank and drank. Then the next day came and it was fresh in my mind when I woke up. I was determined that through your memorial service and funeral I wouldn't cry, because I knew everyone else would. I wanted to be strong for you and keep my promise to you that I wouldn't cry if you passed away. I tried really hard not to, but at times tears came out without me knowing. Even as I try to write this letter right now, I can't help but shed some tears.
I'm sorry I couldn't be at the hospital everyday
I'm sorry I made excuses or didn't pickup your calls when I was busy or lazy
I'm sorry I couldn't take you to at least 1 baseball game
I'm sorry I couldn't be the greatest grandson to you, because you were the greatest grandma to me
I'm sorry for lying to you...I smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol
I'm sorry you won't be here when I get married
I'm sorry for being selfish when you needed me
I'm sorry for all the things I couldn't do or be while you were still here
I'm thankful for your selflessness
I'm thankful for your love
I'm thankful that you raised me and spent time with me
I'm thankful you were always there to protect me
I'm thankful for you always giving me hope
I'm thankful that I got to know you on another level this past year
I'm thankful for you
Love,
Your Grandson, Son, Friend
Joe
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
The Four Agreements - By: Don Miguel Ruiz
So this is something I came across on the web and I decided I'd share it, because it's something I feel we can all take from...even if it only is one thing...
1. BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself
or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
2. DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality,
their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the
victim of needless suffering.
3. DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with
others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this
one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy
as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
1. I admit I'm guilty of this one...I'm only human so to say I don't gossip at all would be a lie. I don't gossip often, but I do gossip every now and then (Trying to make myself feel better). This probably derives from some kind of insecurity I have inside me; that or maybe some grudge I harbor towards that certain person. I feel when I do dislike someone or someone does something that is against my morals or values, I put them under this giant microscope and analyze their every action (being a very judgmental SOB). It gets me to really think what kind of person I am...Who am I to say what's wrong and what's right? Well, let's take a step back and give the excuse that pretty much everyone is guilty of doing this every now and then and ask myself for what reason am I doing this? I dislike this person or dislike their actions so much that I need to justify myself to others that this person is really that bad? I honestly didn't put much thought into this until now and looking at it now...one can say it's a pretty atrocious thing to do. I definitely am not God, nor am I perfect. I need to accept the fact that everyone has their views or their way of doing things and be more open-minded. I might be better at certain things than that person and vise-versa. Everybody has their weaknesses and their strengths and I sure as hell know that I wouldn't want people to talk behind my back about my weaknesses.
2. I kind of disagree with this one, only in the sense that if I'm acting a fool or just being obnoxious, I would want the opinions of others. Now with that said, I'm pretty sure I'm just over thinking this and what it's actually referring to is when people are being negative towards you. In that sense, yes I do agree. Why let haters cause you stress and bring you down? (Easier said than done...) If I look back and think about something someone said to me that really "Grinds my gears", (Family Guy reference...haha) it would probably stress me out for hours upon hours through out the day and sometimes several days of the month. I rarely say this now, but these are what I like to call "Fuck It!" situations. If someone's talking shit to me, "Fuck It!". Who cares what they say, if they're not someone that's deemed a positive influence in my life. Why should I give up my time stressing over something, some "nobody" said to me. Putting it into perspective, it just isn't worth my time or energy. If that's how somebody feels towards me then that's their opinion and as long as I know I'm not "that person" I should just move on with my life. Think about all the hours you spend in a year stressing about what someone said to you...yeah you can't even count but you know it's a lot! During that time you could've done something much more productive.
3. This one is a work in progress for me, but something I've improved on vastly over the years. I do express what I want, but when there's a conflicting point of view and when push comes to shove...I usually end up settling (hahaha...wow, if I put it that way...I sound like a fucking pushover). I don't necessarily feel like it's a bad thing though...I do this a lot because I really enjoy the company of others and more often than not I'd rather just go do what everyone else is doing. Not really caring about what we do, but just as long as we're all out together (No homo). I don't necessarily express it, but I do get what I really want which is essentially spending time with the people I call "my friends". I think I've kind of always been this way...not sure why, but yeah, I think I can honestly say that I sacrifice what I really want just for the company of others. Because I feel that's what's most important to me. Maybe I just have a fear of being alone?
4. I recently started applying this one in my life. Sounds simple enough, buuuuut no. I think my lackadaisical way of thinking in high school really influenced my success in life. Too many "whatever" or "Fuck It!" moments, really became a bad habit for me and it slowly bled into my way of living. So many times I've regretted not trying my best when I could, either out of fear of failure or maybe just out of sheer laziness. When a good friend of mine passed away a few years back, the one thing I regretted was not being able to spend more time with him when I could. It almost seemed unfair and I blamed a lot of things but myself. Looking back now, I can say it was my fault. I want to live life now, without having any regret or as few as possible, because you just don't know. People always say "Carpe Diem!", seize the moment...I used to think this was so cliché, but ironically it's something I would like to incorporate more into my life.
This year I made it a goal to become a better person, and yeah, that shit up there is some personal shit. However, I feel if I have whatever I reflect down on paper for people to read and see, it will help me to achieve my goal much more efficiently (Given people call me out when I go against something I'd say I'd do, but yeah you get the point). I tried not to ramble on too much, so if I did...I apologize...Actually...This is my blog, I can ramble when I feel the need to, so if you feel I rambled on then..."Fuck It!"
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself
or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
2. DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality,
their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the
victim of needless suffering.
3. DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with
others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this
one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy
as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
1. I admit I'm guilty of this one...I'm only human so to say I don't gossip at all would be a lie. I don't gossip often, but I do gossip every now and then (Trying to make myself feel better). This probably derives from some kind of insecurity I have inside me; that or maybe some grudge I harbor towards that certain person. I feel when I do dislike someone or someone does something that is against my morals or values, I put them under this giant microscope and analyze their every action (being a very judgmental SOB). It gets me to really think what kind of person I am...Who am I to say what's wrong and what's right? Well, let's take a step back and give the excuse that pretty much everyone is guilty of doing this every now and then and ask myself for what reason am I doing this? I dislike this person or dislike their actions so much that I need to justify myself to others that this person is really that bad? I honestly didn't put much thought into this until now and looking at it now...one can say it's a pretty atrocious thing to do. I definitely am not God, nor am I perfect. I need to accept the fact that everyone has their views or their way of doing things and be more open-minded. I might be better at certain things than that person and vise-versa. Everybody has their weaknesses and their strengths and I sure as hell know that I wouldn't want people to talk behind my back about my weaknesses.
2. I kind of disagree with this one, only in the sense that if I'm acting a fool or just being obnoxious, I would want the opinions of others. Now with that said, I'm pretty sure I'm just over thinking this and what it's actually referring to is when people are being negative towards you. In that sense, yes I do agree. Why let haters cause you stress and bring you down? (Easier said than done...) If I look back and think about something someone said to me that really "Grinds my gears", (Family Guy reference...haha) it would probably stress me out for hours upon hours through out the day and sometimes several days of the month. I rarely say this now, but these are what I like to call "Fuck It!" situations. If someone's talking shit to me, "Fuck It!". Who cares what they say, if they're not someone that's deemed a positive influence in my life. Why should I give up my time stressing over something, some "nobody" said to me. Putting it into perspective, it just isn't worth my time or energy. If that's how somebody feels towards me then that's their opinion and as long as I know I'm not "that person" I should just move on with my life. Think about all the hours you spend in a year stressing about what someone said to you...yeah you can't even count but you know it's a lot! During that time you could've done something much more productive.
3. This one is a work in progress for me, but something I've improved on vastly over the years. I do express what I want, but when there's a conflicting point of view and when push comes to shove...I usually end up settling (hahaha...wow, if I put it that way...I sound like a fucking pushover). I don't necessarily feel like it's a bad thing though...I do this a lot because I really enjoy the company of others and more often than not I'd rather just go do what everyone else is doing. Not really caring about what we do, but just as long as we're all out together (No homo). I don't necessarily express it, but I do get what I really want which is essentially spending time with the people I call "my friends". I think I've kind of always been this way...not sure why, but yeah, I think I can honestly say that I sacrifice what I really want just for the company of others. Because I feel that's what's most important to me. Maybe I just have a fear of being alone?
4. I recently started applying this one in my life. Sounds simple enough, buuuuut no. I think my lackadaisical way of thinking in high school really influenced my success in life. Too many "whatever" or "Fuck It!" moments, really became a bad habit for me and it slowly bled into my way of living. So many times I've regretted not trying my best when I could, either out of fear of failure or maybe just out of sheer laziness. When a good friend of mine passed away a few years back, the one thing I regretted was not being able to spend more time with him when I could. It almost seemed unfair and I blamed a lot of things but myself. Looking back now, I can say it was my fault. I want to live life now, without having any regret or as few as possible, because you just don't know. People always say "Carpe Diem!", seize the moment...I used to think this was so cliché, but ironically it's something I would like to incorporate more into my life.
This year I made it a goal to become a better person, and yeah, that shit up there is some personal shit. However, I feel if I have whatever I reflect down on paper for people to read and see, it will help me to achieve my goal much more efficiently (Given people call me out when I go against something I'd say I'd do, but yeah you get the point). I tried not to ramble on too much, so if I did...I apologize...Actually...This is my blog, I can ramble when I feel the need to, so if you feel I rambled on then..."Fuck It!"
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Michelina's Beef Stroganoff
My brother and I went to Lucky's to do some grocery shopping today. We bought a whole bunch of munchies and decided to buy a quick and easy dinner fix. As we were strolling through the frozen foods section we came across Michelina's. As you can see from the label they do a very good job of selling this as "Italian" food. First, the name Michelina and secondly, the "Authentico" in the top right hand corner (which means authentic in Italian). Next, they try to comfort you by saying, "Let mama feed you!". Now, if you look at the picture I admit it doesn't look like the most appetizing thing in the world...however, it does appear to be above average frozen food quality. With most frozen dinners the picture always looks more appetizing than the product that comes out after you microwave it...obviously...but usually it's not too far off right?
WRONG!!!
I tried to make sense of it, but the more I tried...the angrier I became. Only 3 words crossed my mind at this point..."WHAT THE FUCK!?!?" Look at it! I've seen dog food that looks more appetizing than this piece of shit. It seriously looks like someone threw up on my pasta! How can anyone sell this and not feel a tad bit guilty??? Then they have the audacity to call this Italian?!? If Italian people were to see this they would slap the shit out of whoever were the mastermind behind this...CON. I mean really...you expect me to eat this? I would even feel guilty feeding this to my pets. "Let mama feed you"? Mama would beat you senseless for even thinking about putting out a piece of shit product like this. Now, I'm sure you're thinking did you even try it? YES, I tried it! YES, it tasted exactly what it looked like! It was so bad I almost threw up after swallowing it. I give this product an F--- (there are not enough minuses to even being to describe the abomination that is this pasta so I cut it off after 3). Don't ever buy this product!!!
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